OK, I'm not quite down off my soap box yet.
But I bet this is a post every women can relate to- your arch nemesis might be shoe shopping (I advocate Clarks) or shopping for Swimming costumes or winter coats but you will understand where I am coming from.
Being as I had time to kill, I thought the very best thing to do would be to nip to Debenhams and get some new bras, as I can't remember when I bought these ones, but 2 have already lost their underwires and the other two are looking a bit sad.
Now, This is not a rant about Debenhams- I hold them in very high esteem- Unlike some other bra selling chains which I will not be rude about on the internet.
In order for you to understand my distress at shopping in general- but especially bra shopping- I will now have to share with you some vital statistics.
Don't judge me.
I'm 5.5"
I wear a 34FF bra.
That means that in dress terms my measurements would be:
42
34
42
(so, technically that makes my bust projection a UK size 20, my waist a size a UK 12 and my hips a UK 14)
Now, I always am ready for disappointment when I go shopping because I am a funny shape- not a tall willowy boyish model as clothes designers would assume- trousers will always be too long, or too baggy on the thigh, Skirts which should be mid length reach my feet and forget buying a top with buttons down the front. Coats always swamp me- and to get the bust big enough I have to venture into the "normal height people" range. Even though I am technically "petite". I have given up attempting to define my waist and you can piss off if you think I'll ever get into a dress with a side zipper- I can't even see my armpit to do anything with the damn zipper!
I expect this to be a nightmare.
That is why when I go shopping I usually return with some earrings and a coffee.
Bras however present a new dimension of shopping hell (swimming costume shopping comes a close second).
Whoever it is that makes bras seems to assume that because I have a FF cup that I am a tall amazonian looking woman, who needs enough shoulder strap to moor a barge with. and some elastic in those straps, just incase they weren't long enough.
In reality this means the bra may be a beautiful fit everywhere else, but the straps just will not go small enough to even reach shoulders, rather than my elbows.
Now lets assume the poor long suffering bra sales lady (who is still demonstrating good humour and sound advice despite looking exhausted and bewildered) has finally found a bra with straps which meet with my shoulders and can be adjusted.
She looks triumphant.
you look in the mirror and realise the reason this bra feels so odd is because the same idiot who's assumed you're 6 feet tall has also bestowed upon you imaginary broad shoulders.
The straps teeter dangerously on the very edges of your shoulders.
Often at this point I give up, buy the bra and donate it to charity 3 weeks later when I've gotten fed up of having to constantly prevent shoulder strap escape.
Let's pretend that today we're playing hard ball. We point out that this bra is designed for a cage fighter, not a woman, and request something a little more delicate.
Let's pretend the bra lady delivers this (usually by returning with one of everything you haven't already tried including a nursing bra and those ones made of soft fabrics with a front fastening designed exclusively for Nans to wear with their panty girdle).
We are all now smiling, you in the mirror and her over your shoulder cooing about the beautiful fit.
Then you feel it.
Zigzag sewn seems over the nipples.
Yes, I know this is to give "a lovely shape and better support" but if I spend all day looking like someone's spiked my undergarments with itching powder I'm going to get fired.
What is wrong with lining the bra over the seams?!
It's not like we're buying a cheap throwaway product.
The sales lady looks ruffled, but she's feeling confident. She returns with a T-shirt bra in a shade of nude which is nude on no-one.
straps for a woman not a wrestler? Check
good cup fit? Check
Back fit? Check.
You move to adjust it and get stabbed in the armpit with some spikey lace trim.
Yes, we know our arms look slimmer and more lovely if we keep them away from our bodies, but we don't need negative reinforcement from our underwear to encourage beautiful arms.
She Goes to find a similar style "without lace". with a fixed smile. possibly if she stopped smiling she'd cry and tell you to just throw yourself into the nearest display and buy the bra you land on.
You feel sorry for the sales lady and buy the "without lace" offering. immediately. In 4 colours (Today the 4 colours were white, black, purple and black with spots- thankfully Debenhams does its T-shirt bras in a 2 pack for £16 in a range of colours- for £8 each I can deal with "closest fit" rather than "no bra and a sales lady with a nervous breakdown")
And a bra with houses on it so that you don't look too desperate.
And of course, buying 5 bras at a time means you don't have to go back so soon. :)
Bonus.
It lets the sales lady have a chance to recover before you go back again.
This is why whenever anyone tells me they wish they had boobs like mine I raise my eyebrows and say "oh, would you now?"
Ah well, I suppose I should take solace that no-one cried (I'm not a crier, but sometimes I get someone who's on their first day and they get upset after an hour and a half) and I didn't have to be cut out of any dresses (this has yet to happen to me, but it seems to happen to some of my friends with alarming regularity).
So all in all we have to call this a shopping win.
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