Up-cycled spiked high heels from Bust.com

Start with a pump-style shoe with a 4" heel or higher; any lower, and you won’t be able to see the design underneath very well. To add spikes, first use a wipeable marker to mark dots on the back of the shoe where you want each spike to be. (Note that the spikes should be placed only in the shoe’s upper; you don’t want to drill into the actual heel.) You can use a variety of different screw-back spikes—ours ranged from 3/8" to 1"—which you can find at bead or trimming shops. Place your top mark at least 1/4" below the top edge of the shoe and drill the initial holes, using a drill bitslightly larger than the screw on the spike. Go slow and watch your fingers! Push the screw through the shoe so it sticks out the back, and screw on the spike. Use a screwdriver to tighten all the spikes, so the screws’ backs are as flush to the inside of the shoe as possible. Repeat all the above for the second shoe. 

Next you’ll paint under the heel’s arch. Put masking tape [A] on the shoe’s upper, all around the edge where it meets the sole. Clean the arch and the interior part of the heels with rubbing alcohol, then use a medium-sized brush to prime the areas to be painted with white acrylic paint [B] (we used Acryla, but any brand will work). You won’t need to prime the soles of the shoes (the part you walk on), but you can paint them a solid color for continuity’s sake. Let dry and apply another thin coat of primer. With a pencil, lightly draw a pattern or image that strikes your fancy; don’t forget the area under the heel. With a small paintbrush, apply one color of acrylic paint at a time to your design, letting each dry completely between colors. Work on one shoe as the other dries, and add the black outlines last [C]. Once completely dry, give the painted area two coats of Mod Podge with the medium brush (let it dry between coats). 

A

B

C

Use a moleskin shoe pad (find at any drugstore), or a similar self-adhesive shoe pad, to cover the screws on the inside of the heel. Then slip these babies on and wait for the compliments to roll in. 

Snow day- at the tattoo parlour

Today I had the day off because of the snow- which is pretty cool!

I had a nice lie in and the plan was to go to Russel park with Si and Karl and build some snow iguanas- then to watch the batman trilogy and then to go with Traff to get his new tattoo.

That plan was shattered when tattoo place rang Traff just after 10 to ask if he could come in a 12 for his tattoo because they'd had a cancellation and didn't want to hang about all day- so I ended up rushing about like a crazy person to get ready and go out.. no nice lazy morning for me.

I met Traff in town and got breakfast in debenhams cafe (black tea and I highly recommend their fruit toast because it has cherries in and is yummmyyyy).

Then we walked to Kempston for his tattoo at Julia's tattoo parlour. its only 2.5 miles to Kempston from our house- but in the snow it just took forever! It's so slippy and the snow is quite deep and starting to freeze so I feel like I've had a real workout on my 5 mile round trip!

Traff managed to get electrocuted by a crossing- the one over cauldwell street as you come from town- I laughed at him really hard but I'm so grateful it wasn't me- we rang the council and told them to hopefully they sent someone out to fix it (we walked back on the other side of the road just in case).it's lucky is reaction are so quick.

He'd been fussing about how much getting a tattoo on his belly would hurt- apparently getting electrocuted dulls the pain of a tattoo by comparison.



This was the 1/2 way point- all the outlines and shading were done - just the colour to do- the tattoo artists was really lovely- she'd been tattooing since the 1990s so she was telling us about all the daft tattoos she's done and how she thinks tattoos have changed over the last 23 years- which was probably quite nice for Traff- took his mind off things!

She was saying that she likes to have challenging and complex tattoos to do - so when she saw traff's chosen Tank Girl image she wanted to do it- so she was glad he picked her in the end!





Ta-dah! the finished article!

Very much like Tank girl. If a bit red and swollen.

We walked back from Kempston and stopped off in spoons for some lunch- It didn't feel like we'd been out all that long but we left the house at 10 am and got home at 4! all that trudging through the snow! and the 1 hr 45 min tattoo.

So now its an evening of crappy TV- starting with count down (Which I love but suck at and Traff's amazing at- we know who the clever one is in our relationship) and it'll finish up with Celebrity Big Brother. as standard.

Traffs made himself a "nest" on the living room floor out of the summer Duvet, fabric frog and the pillows off the sofa. he's feeling a bit sorry for himself but is too manly to admit it!

On a side note- I'm slightly annoyed that the shops have easter stuff out already! it's January! we just had christmas. However, my annoyance is countered by the arrival of the "malteaster" chocolate bars. which may be my favourite.

Craft number 1 - snowflake microscope slides

Yesterday I attempted this at work- I'm not quite convinced about it yet there were two influences which I hadn't considered:

1) that the temperature outside was quite warm.
2) that superglue takes AGES to set in the freezer.

I put the slides into the freezer to start with to hopefully get the snowflakes to last long enough to superglue them.

We caught the snowflakes directly onto the slides although the snow was falling quite thick so I doubt that even if we have made any slides the images will be clear.

Once the show was on the slide I glued it and put the glued slide straight onto ice- then transported them to the freezer.

After about an hour I went to check on them and took one out- I didn't realise the glue wasn't set and got it all over my hand- then when I shut the freezer door I glued my hand to it.
not so awesome.

If they do work I'll try and get some photos to post (with Traff's camera since mines bitten the dust).


These are some that other people have made online- so it is possible- maybe I need to refine my technique!

how to make lemon curd

I'm a bit obsessed with lemon curd at the moment- yesterday I had a lemon curd yogurt (it turned out the main ingredient was whipping cream though so I doubt the validity of the name "yogurt") and Today and Jess's she made a really amazing lemon drizzle cake with lemon curd on the top.

Now I want to eat Lemon curd with everything- it would be lush for breakfast on tortillas.
yummmyyyyyyy
or as tarts.. or in lemon meringue pie.
Or just out of the jar with a spoon.

Apparently you can even make this into a lemon curd rolly polly for anyone stuck in the 1950s (like my dad).

I've been told that this isn't too difficult to make- and quite difficult to bugger up (unless you manage to turn it into zesty scrambled eggs I suppose...) Although mine will probably not look this amazing:



Anyways- heres the recipe

you will require:

• 4 unwaxed lemons, zest and juice
• 200g/7oz unrefined caster sugar

• 100g/3½oz unsalted butter, cut into cubes
• 3 free-range eggs, plus 1 free-range egg yolk
  
  

   method

  1. Put the lemon zest and juice, the sugar and the butter into a heatproof bowl. Sit the bowl over a pan of gently simmering water, making sure the water is not touching the bottom of the bowl. Stir the mixture every now and again until all of the butter has melted.
  2. Lightly whisk the eggs and egg yolk and stir them into the lemon mixture. Whisk until all of the ingredients are well combined, then leave to cook for 10-13 minutes, stirring every now and again, until the mixture is creamy and thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.
  3. Remove the lemon curd from the heat and set aside to cool, stirring occasionally as it cools. Once cooled, spoon the lemon curd into sterilised jars and seal. Keep in the fridge until ready to use.
     
     
     
     

OTBC

Today Traff and I went to peterborough- We had lunch with Andy, Ellie and Tor at the college arms- We even got there in time for Traff to have a full breakfast. For lunch. yeah, I can't figure that out. its wrong! WRONG!

We then went for a pint in Charters and onwards to the stadium.

We got to the turnstile and Traff handed me my ticket - and I was like "theres no seat number on my ticket"
Traff "yeah, its a cup game so its a terraced game"



So as we enter the stadium it looks like a time warp- 

We get into the stands and...



Actually, Initially it looked like the backs of lots of taller peoples heads- we had to stand on the steps to enter 


The terrace because it was so packed out.




The atmosphere was awesome- Except when some pissed bloke started on an old guy who'd been really nice to 


us. so that was sad. I like going to see Norwich play as the fans are really awesome.


They always sing throughout the game- even when the team are doing badly- but especially when they're doing


well- Like today! Winners!




At the end of the game we headed to Tony and Jo's for pizza dinner which was yummy.



All in all it was a very good day out.

Camden with Tony & Marissa :)

Today Traff and I headed to london to meet Tony and Marissa (who is over from Minneapolis - this is her first visit to london).
We had a really lovely day :)

We went to Camden- and we had yummy camden street food! (I really wanted thai but they have a new moroccan stall so I had that instead and discovered buttered chicken! - yeah, its probably really really bad for me but its yummy!).

Traff spent all his money as soon as we got there! he got a skull face mask to wear to keep his face warm on his bike and he got a bib for sarah and Dan's Baby Alice (she's super spoilt as we sent her a parcel of goodies yesterday- a buggie blanket, little outfit (leggings, Tunic top, red velvet jacket) and a proper pink coat with fur around the hood from monsoon).

I got a new jumper- its really cool with a screen print of houses and trees on the front (yeah, it doesn't sound like much but you'll be well jelly when I post a picture!) I've been feeling a bit under the weather lately and I think that was to blame for stopping me spending total fortune.
I know I'm not supposed to be buying jumpers as they've become a bit of a personal obsession - but this one isn't knitted. so it's different. so thats ok.
I've been wearing my blue dotty one to death and its gon a bit bobbly (yeah, ok ray you can say it: Bobbleoff -from JML)

We also went to Cyberdog- which always makes me sad I'm not a size 0 and living an ecstasy fuelled 90s existence.
They now has a weird fetish sex shop under the stairs that wasn't there last time.

On the way home I got a Lemon meringue cupcake from peyton and Byrne at kings cross station

(I haven't had a cake since I went to cardiff on the 21st December- and before that I hadn't had a cake for about a month and a half- I know, I'm like a different person! I'm ok- I just realise that normal people don't eat cake every day, so I've cut down).

Anyways, the cupcake was amazing. if you're in kings cross and have to wait for your train you should get one!


We got home and the nice man from the letting agency had been and fixed the oven and the fan in the bathroom!
We don't have to eat cous cous anymore! because we have a working oven so we can cook stuff. AWESOME.
I'll admit that after 4 days of cous cous I'm glad I don't have to eat any more. We had sandwiches for dinner anyway as we'd expected this to take longer to fix.
I can't wait to have a hot dinner tomorrow! I'm so excited!

I've also done another couple of squares on my patchwork blanket tho I doubt it'll count as my "new years resolution once per month craft" much before the summer!
I'm very jealous that Jen is already planning to make another dress for Hednas and I can't even finish a damn patchwork blanket! I've been truly outcrafted. I need craft lessons or something.

We're gonna watch celebrity BB now- normally we shun such crappy TV- but Traff and I are curious.
I imagine 4 min into it we'll remember why we normally don't bother- I never even liked it when it was cool and it was the early 00s.
We used to have drama lessons and have to act out bits of big brother. I always hated drama anyway. having no idea what was going on only compounded my feelings towards the subject!
yeah, I've got a bit off topic now.

Traffs Just turned himself into that bloke from the prodigy fire started video with the reverse mohawk so I'm gonna go find out what he's doing.
or at least force him to shave the rest of his damn head.

The WHOLE 2012 survey. feast your eyes on 40 questions regarding successes, disasters and bad taste.

I didn't realise that the version of this I did before was only half a survey dammit! so, if you're feeling bored and hungover, here is the whole 40 questions for your enjoyment and perusal.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I visited Croatia, I started circuit training, I got a vintage bike, I went to Hednas vintage night club, cooked dinner for 12..  I’ve done lots of new things this year but these we’re my favs.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes, I’ve exercised more and been more healthy, had some more “me” time, and visited a non EU country.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, Sarah Had her baby on newyears eve eve! All very exciting for aunty Lau and Uncle Traff.

Becky and Sarah C also had their babies so lots of cute photos and visits.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Wales, Croatia, and brugge

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

More Adventures!

I always have a list in my mind of 1000s of places I’d like to go and things I’d like to do- we do some of them, but I’d love to do more.

I love to go to new places and try new things! I like it even better when I can do that with my friends.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I’m not sure- too much stuff has happened to have any truly year-defining moments- lots of exciting news (engagements, babies, weddings, courses passed etc for our friends) and lots of things that we have done and loved. I will always remember Hednas- It was so much fun and we really did have a flatful of people!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

New job! I’m so happy in my job right now and I’m so pleased that they chose to have me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Trying to organize a trip to CERN that fell through (Although I’m going in march now so maybe not such a big diasater) but in terms of man hours lost this was a bit of a bummer!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I did my back in! oops.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hednas tickets. I really love experiences and I always think that money spent on tickets or holidays is well spent.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Ooh.. too many people to celebrate! Thank you Kirstie for all our adventuring! Thanks to Abi, Hayley, Jen and Helen for their letters- nothing is nicer than a letter full of good news when you come home from work- and sometimes I get teabags and dinosaurs! Thank you to everyone who has let us share in their happiness- new jobs, new finacees, new babies- even though we’re so far away we do appreciate that you always call us to tell us!

Thank you to everyone who has made the several hour trip to see us from London, cornwall, Oxfordshire or wales- We love to see you and have you to stay- and thank you to everyone who has put us up when we've been off on a nomadic tour of the country.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

I don’t think anyone’s been awful! Maybe the weather! WHY do you always rain when we’re trying to have fun?!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Car repairs. Rent.

And now we’re saving for a house, so that’s where ALLLLL our money goes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Hednas, Cardiff, Croatia, London, Christmas, everyones birthdays, snow.

I get excited about lots of things.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Lana del rey – Born to Die

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier- this has been a good year.

ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter… oops.

iii. richer or poorer? Financially I feel poorer as all my money is kinda tied up but I am richer in other, more important ways.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Travelling and adventures, this year my most spoken line has been “I’m sorry, I have too much work to do and I can’t”.

I also wish I’d taken more “me” time- reading books and watching films- I’ve always got a backlog of stuff to read and watch.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Watching pointless TV. So distracting.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I was at my parents house. My Nan came and stayed with my sister and we all have a family Christmas. My aunt, uncle and cousin came to see us on Xmas eve too. I know I’m old fashioned but I really love a good family Christmas- Traff’s parents rang and said it was so hot in spain that they were having a bbq- and that was cool too.

I drank too much pink wine. It was awesome.

So basicly, I spent christmas drunk, in the conservatory talking bollocks to all my close family. winner.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Yes, with rose flavoured tea and pistachio and cardamon cake.

And I love my beautiful wife more than ever, of course.

23. How many one-night stands?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Coast. I may have a bit of a geek crush on the Scottish guy.. maybe.. sshhhhhh I also love call the midwife.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, I don’t hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?

My sister lives on the mantle piece.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Lana del ray and Mark Lanegan- especially his stuff with Isobel campbel.

28. What did you want and get

little luxuries like fancy hair stuff and perfume and my favourite moisturizer from the bodyshop. Fancy tea. yes yes.

I also got tickets (to the football, but still, its an experience, right?)

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

I’m not sure- I’m not very current with films. I’ve been watching some film adaptations of some books I’ve enjoyed.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

25. hednas. Awesome. Again please! How will I top this next year?!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More sleep. More time with my boyfriend. More time with my friends and family- hey, how about I go part time and get paid the same so that I can fit in all this sleeping and visiting?!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

One of my students asked me:

“miss, do you just fall into your warderobe and wear whatever sticks?”

so perhaps that’s something to work on…

34. What kept you sane?

Traff, Friends, Family, good music, work colleagues, cups of tea (gin when tea won't do), riding my bike, vintage shopping, mr Kipling. It takes an awful lot to keep me sane now I look at it.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I only fancy the coast man.

Please don’t laugh too much.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Planned changes to my pay and pension, planned changes to my working hours and conditions. Planned changes to the curriculum which we teach to give our students less choice and less support for those who struggle, the systematic culling of the NHS, hike in tuition fees.

I hate this government.

37. Who did you miss?

I miss all my friends when I don’t see them for a while. they're awesome though- and when I do see them its like we never left off. which is really lovely. 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Randi!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

Take it one stage at a time! Life does not have to be lived at 100mph. sometimes you just have to be patient.

I have no idea what the year 2012 will bring but I hope that with a positive attitude and determination it will be a great year. I am excited for the future

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“there’s caterpillars in Bristol”

Resolutions

My resolutions for 2013:

1) Complete one craft per month- This can be a craft at home or a craft at a meeting or club- just anything to keep me creative and give me some time away from working!

2) Gym once per week - not gym binges like last year followed by months of not doing much!

3) See the Blackpool illuminations

4) Healthy eating- no more studenty eating. just because you only add hot water to it does not mean it is nutritionally balanced!

5) play the violin once per month.



My resolutions for 2012 were:
1) Exercise at least once a week.

2) Save some pennies.

3) Say "yes" more often.

4) Call my friends more often.

So, Did I meet them? I think so! for number 1) I've done more-or-less but i've really enjoyed being more healthy and I'm deffo going to keep it up. number 2) we have deffo done- we're £4000 towards our house deposit- which I know is quite a long way from the £30,000 minimum we'll need, but its a good start and not to be sniffed at (we had saved more but I spent it on getting my car fixed when it caught fire...) 3) I could have done better but I did try- I've seen more people, travelled more and been less obstinate in general. 4) I'll be honest- I sucked at this but everyone else seems to be better at it so I haven't turned myself into a hermit recluse- and I've had lots of letters- you guys are so clever figuring out I can't ignore a letter. 

So, I hope I am this successful in 2013.

Round robin revenge- from Radio 4's today program.

'Tis the season for round-robin letters sent to friends, family and passing acquaintances. Some welcome the chance to touch base, but the heavily-glossed updates on high-achieving children and exotic holidays can be annoying, says writer Lynne Truss.

So this year, she has devised several responses to a fictional round-robin that will, she hopes, result in her removal from future festive mailing lists.

Take one

My dear Caro, Tom, Zoe, Sasha, Dotty (the dog) and Fluffy (the hamster),

Well, what a year you've had! Every year seems to be an improvement on the last in your household, if your four-page Wilsons Christmas Gazette is anything to go by! Zoe's exams! Sasha's success in that inter-school speed-texting competition! Tom becoming general manager (eastern region)! Dotty's attainment of a pet passport! Fluffy's worrying disappearance under the floorboards!

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

I enclose some book tokens for the girls (but only for satirical reasons)”

My dears, I was quite exhausted just reading it. I was especially fascinated by the whole page and a half on how you dithered for six months about which sort of kitchen to get, and then decided not to get one after all! Do you know, yours was the fourth Christmas newsletter I received this year on the same day, and I hope you don't mind, I felt compelled - well, I know it's unconventional these days, but I just felt compelled to send you a personal reply!

Somehow I don't get round to writing and printing my own Christmas newsletters. For one thing, I'm sure I could never master that wonderful breathless reporting style - or indeed imitate your enviable devil-may-care attitude to written English. Anyway, here are a few thoughts on the latest newsletter.

1. There should be an apostrophe after "Wilsons" on the masthead. A small thing, the plural possessive apostrophe, but I'm surprised the new passion for grammatical correctness has passed you by!
2. Paragraph two: you say Zoe came "virtually top" in her year for French, history and English. Now, this is odd, because when I checked with the school, they said Zoe was actually a "middling" student who might not get any qualifications at all if she didn't stop hanging round the Arndale all day with a boy called Wayne.
3. Paragraph six: Tom's new job is in fact a demotion, isn't it? Rather unwise to attempt sleight-of-hand here.
4. The school sports picture. You have bungled the Photoshopping of the large tattoo still clearly circling Sasha's upper arm.
5. Concerning the holiday in Antigua, you see the person at the back of the group photo, in a big hat? You probably thought she was an innocent passer-by. Well, look closely... it's me! Yes, I followed you to Antigua as I have followed you and your family everywhere for the past five years, as it happens, because I hate you, Caro Wilson, you smug cow. I hate you and I hate in particular the way you send these four-page full-colour Christmas letters to everybody as if you were the Queen.

I enclose some book tokens for the girls (but only for satirical reasons), and an amusing volume called Adultery for Dummies for Tom, because I fear he hasn't read it. Now, if you're wondering what's been happening to me all these years, it's not an uninteresting story. In the autumn of 2006, I met a handsome and ambitious young man called Jason at Holistic Pilates and gave him a lift home. We became lovers instantly.

After a six-month visit to Australia, we set up a surveillance business, which has been incredibly successful, with an office in Mayfair. We have 25 operatives, and have been retained by several Gulf states, but the best thing is: I've had your entire family under 24-hour intensive surveillance from the very start, just for the pleasure of establishing that your Christmas newsletters are full of complete and utter rubbish.

Don't bother trying to find the cameras and microphones; if Mossad can't do it, I don't suppose you can. Above all, Happy Christmas!

Lynne

PS: Don't be too hard on Tom when you do eventually find out. Men are such weaklings where attractive younger women are concerned.

Take two

Dear Tom, Caro and family,

First of all, thank you so, so, SO MUCH for your Christmas newsletter. You have no idea what it means to me every year to hear about your wonderful family with its wonderful successes. When your envelope arrives, I have a special ritual with a cup of tea and a ginger biscuit, and hang the expense. I'm sorry about the handwriting, by the way. Since I broke my wrist in that silly affray in the pound shop I can't seem to handle a pencil very well, but luckily I don't have to write very much, having no real friends any more and all the family dead and so on, even the children.

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

Every year I cut out the pictures of you and your lovely family and then I scale them up quite big so I can pin you all up on the wall and talk to you”

Your new bedroom looks beautiful. It was a stroke of genius to include those swatches of wallpaper and upholstering fabric along with the newsletter. But I do hope you get that new kitchen you talk about as well. I've never read anything more interesting than the page and a half you wrote about how you were trying to decide which kitchen to get, and then decided not to do it after all. Spending £60,000 on a kitchen is "a major outlay", I agree.

Did I not tell you I'd moved, by the way? Fortunately, the people who bought my burned-out flat from the receivers have been very kind about forwarding the occasional bit of post to my Morecambe B&B.

You must be so proud of your girls, Caro. I hope this won't sound too "sad", but hearing your lovely happy family news once a year is just about the only thing keeping me going! But you know this, of course, because that's why you send them, isn't it? Bless you. I feel I know you all so intimately, you see, thanks to your lifeline newsletters - even though we last actually saw each other exactly 20 years ago, and (let's be honest) hardly knew each other, even then!

But I feel so close to you now. You'll be amused by this, Caro: every year I cut out the pictures of you and your lovely family and then I scale them up quite big so I can pin you all up on the wall and talk to you.

The point is, I love your family, you see. You have generously shared your lives with me, and the result is I love you very, very much. I feel so included! Someone told me that families send out these letters to just everyone in their address books - maybe hundreds at a time, completely indiscriminately! With no thought to the situation of the person receiving them!

But I know you wouldn't do that. I know you write them just for me.

Caro, I promised myself I wouldn't tell you this, but I was actually on the verge of doing something very silly four years ago when your Christmas letter came through. I won't go into details, but what with the fire, and then the mauling, then the second fire, then the double murder and everything, I was feeling a bit low. But when I saw that close-up of Sasha's scab after she tripped over Goofy's foot at Disneyworld - I thought "Stop! What is Caro telling you here? She's saying that if little Sasha can carry on after a set-back like that, so can you!"

I'll sign off soon. It gets dark so early this time of year. I just wanted to say please, please KEEP SENDING THESE LOVELY CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTERS. They brighten my darkness. If I ever suspected that you and your family weren't truly happy - that these letters embellished things, or hid things, or exaggerated, or misrepresented - I'd be absolutely destroyed. Perhaps you could send them MONTHLY? Or even ONCE A WEEK? In fact, tell you what, Caro. This has honestly just occurred to me. Can I come and live with you?

Lynne

PS: Please excuse the damp patches on this letter. They are only the marks of my tears.

Take three

Dear Mr and Mrs Wilson,

Continue reading the main story

“Start Quote

Parents become blind to the fact that run-of-the-mill accomplishments of their offspring are of less than negligible interest”

• Why are round-robin letters so annoying?

I am writing in connection with the newsletter entitled THE WILSONS CHRISTMAS GAZETTE that you recently sent to a Ms Lynne Truss, who has moved from this address. Opening it in error, I am bound to say I was fascinated by its contents.

As a former inspector at the Inland Revenue, I noticed that, under the heading "June", you admit to a "windfall" from a "mad aunt" and make several unwise admissions concerning your decision not to declare it, but to spend it all on a new kitchen. I am bound to inform you that I have copied the evidence and forwarded it to the relevant authorities. You will be hearing from them after Christmas. In certain cases of brazen tax evasion, a custodial sentence may be applied.

May I take the opportunity, however, of congratulating you on a first-class production? I am told by acquaintances that the "Christmas newsletter" is now an accepted feature of British life and is sent quite indiscriminately to people in one's address book without checking whether they are still alive, still regard themselves as "friends", and so forth.

Personally, I prefer to write a brief note to people I have not seen for a long time. I ask them how they are, give them selected news that I am positive will interest them, and wish them a happy Christmas. I would not feel comfortable sending them a published, illustrated account of my year, oh dear no! I would feel that a bulletin of my own splendid doings was a trifle one-way as a form of communication - a little self-important.

But I have observed how parenthood can distort people's ideas of their own place in the world. Parents become blind to the fact that the run-of-the-mill accomplishments of their offspring are of less than negligible interest to other people. Speaking as a stranger to your own family, I feel it might be helpful for you to know that your two daughters a) sound quite ordinary, and also b) look extremely ordinary. As for their paltry academic achievements, might I point out that a kinder course would be to keep those unexceptional examination grades under wraps? But I apologise for running on in this philosophical vein, especially when you are facing criminal charges.

I will make just one final observation. What strikes me about your newsletter most is that while you have dedicated great care to the cropping and display of the pictures - and while your page and a half on your deliberations concerning the new kitchen admirably leaves no detail, no detail whatever, unexplored - there are several gross errors of spelling and punctuation that seriously let you down and expose you - I'm afraid to say - to accusations of illiteracy.

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Please note your repeated misuse of 'principal' (P-A-L) for 'principle' (P-L-E)”

I have therefore taken the liberty of marking up your abominable publication with a few corrections, transpositions and suggestions for happier re-wordings. I enclose it herewith. It was no trouble at all. Quite the contrary. I must confess I can't remember anything that has given me more enjoyment.

Please note in particular for future reference your repeated misuse of "principal" (P-A-L) for "principle" (P-L-E). Also you use the words "phenomena" and "criteria" as singular on several regrettable occasions. Meanwhile your attitude to apostrophes seems to be to throw a handful in the air and just see where they land. But a happy thought strikes me. Perhaps when you are in prison for defrauding the Inland Revenue, you might take a course in remedial English?

With all compliments of the season.

Yours sincerely,

JB Funbury (Esq).

Take four

Caro! Tom!

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Maybe next year I could take a half-page advert in the Wilsons Christmas Gazette”

How wonderful to hear from you. Great stuff. So you're sending out newsletters! Good show.

While I found all your news about kidlings deeply riveting, I have to tell you that you gave me a rather top-hole idea. Listen to this and hold on to your hats. In the past couple of years I have started a small but thriving business selling erotic knick-knacks - nothing distasteful, and packaged VERY discreetly. Now, I'm always looking for new marketing avenues that are a) discreet, b) legal and c) aimed exactly at our sort of people!

So what I'm proposing is this. You take a look at the enclosed Super Dooper - don't be scared, it won't bite! - give it a road test or two, and then maybe next year I could take a half-page advertisement in the Wilsons Christmas Gazette, with a couple of quotes from you two saying, "These really are top notch erotic knick-knacks" or, I know, listen, even better, "Aaaargh, blimey O'Reilly".

What do you think? By the way, has it ever occurred to you that your hamster Fluffy is the spawn of Satan? You might want to look into that. He has all the signs. Anyhow. Sleep on it.

Pip pip. Great stuff.

L xx

Take five

Dear Caro and Tom Wilson,

I got your newsletter. OMG are you in trubble. OMG!

The first thing is, do not leave this letter laying round where anyone can see it.

Second thing, go look at Fluffy. Picture of Fluffy in you're newsletter - mark behind his EAR. When hamsters have this mark, sometimes OK. But can't see - CAN'T SEE - does fur swirl right, or swirl left.

If right, get rid of Fluffy anyway. If left, he is none other than the ANTICHRIST who's arrival was foretold in the BOOK OF REVELATION.

Calculate the numbers you morons. 5 x 21? 7 x 39! Connect letter Bs - B for Beelzebub. Connect Bs in you're letter and you get outline of a GOAT - a goat with FIVE LEGS and a HAT. See Revelation, chapter 13, verse 16. Get out of the house now!

OR never write family newsletter again. This might save you.

Lynne

Take six

Dear Caro and Tom, children and pets,

This is my reply to your newsletter. I am writing to say Happy Christmas. I have been thinking of all sorts of ingenious ways of stopping you from ever sending me Christmas newsletters again, but I've decided, finally, to try a more direct approach. Here it comes.

PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THESE NEWSLETTERS.

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If we were really close friends, of course, I would have helped out with the proofreading”

Isn't it bad enough that the years pass so quickly? While I am suspicious of any sentence that begins, "Christmas is a time for" - isn't Christmas a time for reconnecting (however superficially), rather than for issuing journalistic bulletins about yourself and your loved ones that are torn up by people like me and hurled across the room? Isn't it a time for thinking about other people and wishing them well? I suppose I do grudgingly care if your daughters get their exams, or you get a new job. And I'm truly fascinated by Fluffy the hamster - the way the fur swirls along his back, it really does look like 666.

But if we were proper friends, I would know all this stuff about holidays in Antigua already. And if we were really close friends, of course, I would have helped out with the proofreading.

What I feel is this. The sending of greetings at Christmas is not about keeping virtual strangers up to date. It's about stopping for a few seconds (just a few seconds!) to think about a person you maybe haven't seen for a long time - and in return, finding out that, for a similar fleeting moment, they also remembered you. And apart from anything else, good grief, haven't you heard of Facebook, you people?

Oh well. I did my best. Season's greetings,

God bless us, every one (especially Fluffy).

Lynne